Product Description Samples
Sweet & Salty Medley
Have you ever woken up face down in a chocolatey massacre? Still dazed and hungover, looking at little pieces of foil floating around your house? Thinking “Oh god not again”. Pondering life’s mysteries like, “How many tubes of mini M&M’s was I eating in one sitting?” and “How did that baby cow get in here?”. Nevermind that. What you should be asking is, “Why did I spend my grandmother’s pill money on a bunch of soulless chocolate when I could have spent it on Sweet & Salty Medley chocolates?”. Stay away from that never melt garbage and instead go for some extra melty caramel swirls. Maybe get a little risqué with some bourbon bonbons. Or get downright naughty with milk chocolate drizzled peanut brittle.
With over 5000 5-star reviews you know your father’s retirement fund is going to some high-quality stuff. That $50 you spend 3 times a day on Ding Dongs can now go to the Sweet & Salty Medley and get to you in just 2 days. They last up to three weeks in our beautifully embossed box but we know they won’t.
Don’t question your life decisions, enjoy them knowing you’re choosing ethically sourced, premium quality, fair traded, and shade-grown chocolates. Because if you’re going to be your family’s disappointment, do it with class.
Lightning Streaming Service
Hey! Movie buffs who need the new releases now, but don’t want to sacrifice comfort from home for a crowded theater. For the snackers who refuse to put a down payment on a bucket of popcorn. And especially for those who already have their favorite recliner locked and loaded. Have you heard of Lightning Streaming yet? It’s a brand-new streaming platform that puts a premier silver screen in your home just three days after its release. And to anyone who gives you gruff for being a hermit, you’re not anti-social, just a specialized charisma. You’re not cheap, you’re frugal. You’re not a germaphobe, you just love cleanliness.
Our subscription services are available on up to five devices, making it easy to share with family and friends. And don’t worry we won’t charge you for being gracious like some other other streaming companies. *cough* *cough* …Netflix *cough*
With a policy of having the new releases 3 days after their release date, the theaters still make money to make more movies and you can find out if the movie is worthy or not. For only $20 bucks a month, you’re saving exorbitant amounts of money so that you can finally finish your underground lair. I mean home theater.
How are the theaters going to survive you ask? If a global pandemic can’t kill the movie industry then neither can an awesome streaming service.
How will you ever find the motivation to leave your house again with all these new movies? Well honestly, we’re still figuring out how to make this streaming service less awesome to make that possible. And if you wanna dabble before you commit, we have a free week trial and a few different plans to suit you the best.
Lightning Streaming is for those who know how to do entertainment right. Craft your own bubble of immersion from home. You decide if you want to host others at your place or hoard all the good new Ryan Reynolds to yourself.
Click below to enter your main character era.
Stressless Chess Curriculum
Hey kiddo, so your brother mangled your Barbies again huh? Man, that kid needs therapy. I don’t condone violence but particularly not in this case, you’ll get wrecked. He’s gigantic and not to mention on the waiting list of a 5150. Don’t worry sprout, I’ve got a game plan for you. See it’s all about the mind games in these scenarios. Sure he’s ugly but that hasn’t become a problem for him yet, you’ve got to strike where you can really impact. That watch battery he calls a brain is where he’ll get frustrated.
You’re gonna challenge him to a bout of chess. If he refuses you goat him by saying “Oh I’m sorry would checkers be more your speed?”. You don’t know chess yet but don’t worry I got my handy dandy Stressless Chess Curriculum. Here we’ve got 50 video lessons from the Grandmaster herself. We’ll be doing 10-20 minute lessons in each workbook. We’ll crank out 5 a day til you’re a real-life Beth Harmon pulling out bishop sacrifices like Shirov. It’s about time we got some female representation in this muggy game.
Plus you’ve got 30 days to see if this is how you should mentally destroy your opposition or not, and your access never expires. Now it costs $200 but just tell your parents to take it out of your brother’s college fund, we all know he won’t be needing that.
We should probably enroll you in some karate lessons too, he’s gonna be so mad.